A Tiff

Life sometimes can be so..... well.... tiring. Of course, you say, it's tiring, it's life. But what I mean is that the issues that we are approached with often bring a sort of exhaustion that never fails to frustrate. It takes you on a climb, a journey, and then leaves you at one point to tired to hold your eyes open. The frustrating part is that at the exact same time you are thinking behind closed eyelids, "If I do not rest now, I will die", you are unavoidably wide awake. The inexplicable thoughts are still haunting you, pressing on your brow. It is in this state that I write to you today.

It is 12:44 a.m. and I am exhausted, my body is screaming, but as I lie completely awake, my mind is absolutlely swimming with thoughts, both good and bad. These thoughts range from, "How will I ever get that accomplised tomorrow?" to thoughts on friendships and, (of course), love.

I'm feeling alone right now. Misunderstood. Is this normal I must ask. When in love, do you ever feel... sad? I do. I feel it now. Granted, there was an issue tonight. It was a conversation in which the origin I can not even remember. There was the common difference in opinion and failed attempts to understand feelings, with a dash of defensivness and frustration. Now, I completely understand that a difference in opinion is good, but what I do not understand is how people can go without closure. I can never walk away from, well, anything, without some sense of closure. It drives me absolutely mad! Tonight, I was not granted closure... or anything for that matter. There was a tiff, and a finger that tapped, "END CALL" and that was that.

I will be honest, this "Tiff" was nothing important, it was really all about petty things, but I couldn't help but allow the tears to drip off my chin when I heard the short "Goodnight" from the other end. Is it so wrong to want to end on a good note?? I was patient and trying my best to understand where he was coming from, I really was. My voice was calm and with not even a hint of sarcasm. I never interrupted and I heard him out, even when I didn't want to, yet still.... it didn't help. This was also a topic in the tiff. He couldn't understand why I would go into detail in my explanations to understand things to make sure he gets it, when he interrupts and says he understands, and I couldn't undersand why I can not have the common courtesy of patience and listening when I have something important to say.

Tonight....I felt misunderstood, annoyed with, and alone. Not because he was mean or said anything mean towards me....but because of the way he acted..... I want him to care about me..... more I guess. Enough to listen, even when He thinks it unnecessary; to smile and say that he loves him even when it hasn't been the best day.

To be completely honest.... There are times when I feel like I love this man more than he loves me, and I need to be keeping a close eye on myself to make sure I don't get hurt.

In the morning this will all seem petty and the need for it to be forgotten will be pressing, but... I don't want to forget it. I want to remember so that one day I can express to him how he makes me feel sometimes. I have no doubt in my mind that we love eachother a fantastic amount, but sometimes I don't think he understands how IMPATIENT he is!

Men. Relationships. We had a fight. That's that, and here I am spilling my one-sided opinion all over the place. Well it's got to come out somehow.

In the end, I love him for who he is, and he loves me just as much.
Fight...Over.
'Til next time

I've Begun

So I've Begun. The start of an era, of a new way, of a new sunrise and sunset perhaps. Blogging. I used to think that blogging was for only for those people who wore ragged jeans, large black hoodies and listened to Evanesence while talking about the horrible job their parents were doing. But then I met my suitemate. What a great person, smart, funny, and organized up the butt! Yes, she introduced me to the blogging world and I think I will enjoy it greatly.

I think it is only appropriate at this point to pay tribute to my door away buddy. She has the most beautiful heart. She is so strong in her beliefs and yes, sometimes stubborn, but never have I heard a word escape her mouth that was inappropriate or uncalled for. She presents herself with poise and God given grace. God has blessed me with a friend I can look up and turn to no matter the issue. She has been there when I'm in the darkest of holes and when I'm dancing in the moonlight. Soon, she will leave. Graduate. Never did I think I would despise that word, until now. May I say, I am immensely proud of her. I have no doubt she will go on to live a life filled with joy with her soon-to-be husband and be one of the best teachers ever to walk in front of a classroom. Now, before I tear up, thank you Janna for every smile and piece of happiness you have embedded into my life; I will never forget you.

Now a bit on life. At this moment, I don't think I will make it to Friday. I don't. It seems impossible and unimaginable. I am frustrated, stressed, and irritable. I am edgy and there is so much on my platter I can't even begin to begin. So, instead of beginning the thousands of tasks that I have before me, I begin this. My Blog. And today, while the stacks of books and research titles are staring at me, I would like to discuss a very popular issue, Relationships

Now that's a sticky subject. There are some who gush at this point wanting to spill every detail about their current status which more than likely is no older than three months. Then there are those who sigh and smile, the 9 month people. And finally there are those who have been married or attached for years and they look at you and say, "whew where to begin". Relationships, no matter who is in them, are hard. They take work and committment. Sometimes you get so involved that your love and committment to them take over and it is almost dangerous. Like me, for example. I've been in a relationship for awhile and I love him dearly. One problem. I do not love everyone else dearly. I would like to keep him to myself, I would like to think I am the only one to light up his eyes, make him laugh out loud, and make him want to stay up all night pouring his heart out.... but....I'm not. I am not the only one. I am not the only one to make him smile the way he does. This is something I am LEARNING to accept; it is something that takes time. Tonight there was a test, and I failed. Instead of accepting the fact that there are others and there will always be, but I am still the only one in the relationship with him, I was sucked in and was jealous. Ah the age old jealousy. Need I say more?

After tonight, after this post, my jealousy will end. I will sigh and lay my head down and never speak a word. There is no need to burden my love with the issue that is solely mine, yet in some odd way, I want him to notice that something is wrong and pay more attention to me.

Well.... it is too long. Until next time, remember: Cherish the friends you love while you have time with them, and learn to trust the love you know is alive.


- Out of Breath.