A Tiff

Life sometimes can be so..... well.... tiring. Of course, you say, it's tiring, it's life. But what I mean is that the issues that we are approached with often bring a sort of exhaustion that never fails to frustrate. It takes you on a climb, a journey, and then leaves you at one point to tired to hold your eyes open. The frustrating part is that at the exact same time you are thinking behind closed eyelids, "If I do not rest now, I will die", you are unavoidably wide awake. The inexplicable thoughts are still haunting you, pressing on your brow. It is in this state that I write to you today.

It is 12:44 a.m. and I am exhausted, my body is screaming, but as I lie completely awake, my mind is absolutlely swimming with thoughts, both good and bad. These thoughts range from, "How will I ever get that accomplised tomorrow?" to thoughts on friendships and, (of course), love.

I'm feeling alone right now. Misunderstood. Is this normal I must ask. When in love, do you ever feel... sad? I do. I feel it now. Granted, there was an issue tonight. It was a conversation in which the origin I can not even remember. There was the common difference in opinion and failed attempts to understand feelings, with a dash of defensivness and frustration. Now, I completely understand that a difference in opinion is good, but what I do not understand is how people can go without closure. I can never walk away from, well, anything, without some sense of closure. It drives me absolutely mad! Tonight, I was not granted closure... or anything for that matter. There was a tiff, and a finger that tapped, "END CALL" and that was that.

I will be honest, this "Tiff" was nothing important, it was really all about petty things, but I couldn't help but allow the tears to drip off my chin when I heard the short "Goodnight" from the other end. Is it so wrong to want to end on a good note?? I was patient and trying my best to understand where he was coming from, I really was. My voice was calm and with not even a hint of sarcasm. I never interrupted and I heard him out, even when I didn't want to, yet still.... it didn't help. This was also a topic in the tiff. He couldn't understand why I would go into detail in my explanations to understand things to make sure he gets it, when he interrupts and says he understands, and I couldn't undersand why I can not have the common courtesy of patience and listening when I have something important to say.

Tonight....I felt misunderstood, annoyed with, and alone. Not because he was mean or said anything mean towards me....but because of the way he acted..... I want him to care about me..... more I guess. Enough to listen, even when He thinks it unnecessary; to smile and say that he loves him even when it hasn't been the best day.

To be completely honest.... There are times when I feel like I love this man more than he loves me, and I need to be keeping a close eye on myself to make sure I don't get hurt.

In the morning this will all seem petty and the need for it to be forgotten will be pressing, but... I don't want to forget it. I want to remember so that one day I can express to him how he makes me feel sometimes. I have no doubt in my mind that we love eachother a fantastic amount, but sometimes I don't think he understands how IMPATIENT he is!

Men. Relationships. We had a fight. That's that, and here I am spilling my one-sided opinion all over the place. Well it's got to come out somehow.

In the end, I love him for who he is, and he loves me just as much.
Fight...Over.
'Til next time